call me a sinner call me a saint call me everything you want to regret for all we have to do is live.

i have no idea where this writing will take me but i have been stuck with the need to write something, so as i go off on tangents, rants, raves or stories just bare with me for i don't know where i am going, only know where i am coming from.

lets talk like about what is going on in mine, with the change in guard at work to the change in guard at my home to the change of guard in my soul. 

i keep having these dreams of people i used to care about, in situations that i used to be a part of. weddings, gyms, bars, and churches. these people never hurt me in the past, but now i am unsure of why they keep coming to mind. some i miss, some i don't, some i want back and some won't.

speaking of weddings for barter services for cakes and time, from having friends perform the ceremony to having love one flying from all over.  I don't know what to do so the wedding is on hold for as long as it takes. not that we don't want to get married we just don't have the time right now to plan anything.

who, what, where, why and how is my rants going anywhere. with the new hope that was bread into this nation through the election of obama to the new failure that was sent into my life from person drama that have at work and at home. not that drama is anything new in my life, but i just don't need any more of it. i just wish it would stop.  But that is never going to happen, for the home drama, stays at home, the work drama, stays at work and teh school drama stays at school.  friend drama is all over the map and needs to be erased.

trying to find a voice in a sea of shouting....

poem 1

i stand in a crowd screaming in a voice that can't be heard.  

i am a sheep in a heard.  

trying not to be so absurd

but tryin to fly as a bird

to bring a new word 

to the who haven't stirred

the pot of life to surge

to bring life and words to merge

and keep the people from being disturbed 

and keeping emotions from preturbed

and honestly just trying to find what i deserve

in this word that trys to preserve

that notion that we are not reserved

for anything but unhappiness and observe

that life is what we can deter

from the bad and into the good

to find something that would

keep us from being boo'ed

by life in all its moods

poem 2

but my voice that i look for can not be heard. the shouts are to vericous and the seaching to precocious. that i find in a sea of lies and truths that all i can have is the root of all that is nothing and everything while shouting whispers in the hopes that the sea of shouting my whisper will be heard by those who need it

more poetry

Rage is the way i deal

it was the main course of every meal

until one came to me on appeal

and asked for me to conceal 

my rage in a 

i was born to say i love you....

i have never felt more truth to these words.  not so much that i have never loved, but i have just never felt this way. 

i have felt the love and the want to be together and the great feelings that are me and blah blah blah...but i have never gotten along with a chick as well as i do now.

it was one of those first sight things. i saw her from the across the classroom, but in the end we 

you ever feel like you do to much....you say to much or you try to contact to much and you end up being hella dumb....

that is how i feel

poetry....

it is no longer the words but the actions that define me. 

it is no longer the thought of what is going to happen, it is now or never.

this is the time for words to die and actions to survive.

i need to make the move..

and the move is simple....time to man the fuck up

but anyways...i almost had a chance to do it tonight...the mood was right the place was great and she is phenominal as always.

i know taht thursday we will hang and i know that i will see what she can do and we will see what we are made of. i am not going to get hammered but i will drink. i am going to see where she stands when she stands next to me.

so we will see, only a sight of vision i can hold is the her hand in mine and we will see...

day 2 of my words

words that found a voice late last night telling the world that i am a changed man and ready for the world ahead of me. 

words that found me like a lost friend telling me that i could be who i wanted to be.

words that from the start scared me like a child in the dark.

words that now empower who i am and what i will be able to to

words that for the first time have meaning.

words that will change this life forever.

with the poetry gone again...i am back from where i was last night, i am back from the journey that i found so late in the day. back from the lala land that brought me the ideas that i hold today.

when i woke up the world was brand new for some reason. the air was crisper, though smokier than before, the sun was bright with opportunity and the land was mine for the patrolling. i ruled my world today with a grin and a laugh. i didn't have anything to make me angry or hold me down, i just smiled as if the day was meant for me to realized everything that i had come to terms with last night was the G-d's honest truth.  

that makes me happy. i talk with the two people i got advice from last night about what happened and even they noticed a differences to me. a more "free" chris. one that doesn't let the fear of the past rule the time of the future. each thing will come at may or will come all together, either way i can deal with it. i am no longer afraid to live as i once did. i am no longer scared to treat special people the way they deserved to be treated.

as i stated last night my life has been a constant change for the past years and i don't know where it will go, but i know that i will be here for the ride. this years is has slowed down from the massive change that was last year, but i still grow like no other. i am still being challenged with aspects of my life that i never thought would come up until much later. i am faced with decisions that could be the most important ones of my life. 

and i WELCOME it all. i am tired of running from this place in life. i have taken the hard road all the way around the world to come back here to see the path was so much easier if i had just stopped being stupid.  but welcome to the world.

i am a head of where i wanted to be where i am at now.  i maybe unemployed (and happy about it) i have friends that are going to walk on fire to see me. i have people who will die for me and hopefully by the end of this week i will know if this girl wants to be with me. 

in regards to the girl, if not then no, if so then hells yes. i am not focusing on anything either way i am just happy on where i am at in life.  no more no less, just happy.

thanks to all involved for making that possible....

Words

words.

they seem to not have meaning when  i am trying to tell her who i am.

words.

have no purpose when i try to explain how i feel

words.

keep me from telling the reasons i look at her the way i do

words.

don't even begin to describe how i feel when i hear her name, let alone see her face

words. 

can't keep the right meaning when i use words like love in regards to her.

words.

don't even do justice to the feelings i have.

words. 

are the tools i use to construct my masterpiece of reasons for loving me back.

words.

are by far the only way i know how to be me.

Words.

now with poetry aside i will blog something fierce. i have had in my mind for the past hour of laying in bed not sleeping thinking about how i could have done tonight different, and what i can do tomorrow to meet the goals that i want out of life.  Ih ave met a girl, not just a girl but a pathway way for me to get past the person i am, the person i used to be and the person i want to be. I know that i am not perfect by any means, but with her i just feel right.

it is the first time in a long time i have wanted to be with a person. where i listened to what they had to say and not just wanted to get what i needed and bounced. I have found something finally in myself that has made me want to be better. i have found who i want to be.  

i have found the words i want to say to her caught in my throat, but at the same time i have found the courage to spit them out. to tell her what and how i feel, with no fear. how things work out doesn't matter, it is not the start or the end, but the journey that matters. 

i have finally came back to the place where i started with girls. i have come full circle. i want to be the man i always prophetsized i would be.  the man that was everything for one woman, the man who could be the greatest father of this generation. the man who could be a loving husband. i have found my way back to this path.  I am not saying that this girl is the one who is going to to make me the great dad or husband, but from my journey and now with this girl in my life i have found the path. One day that path will lead to great family, but for now i am back on track. back where i belong

i have not been the best man and i recoginize that i don't want to be that man anymore so i am not. i am going to be better, and i am going to be happy. for the past 3 or 4 years i have been on a spiritual, emotional, physical journey that has lead me to the desert, to the promise land and back to here. i have traveled all over see and done a lifetimes worth of adventures, and i have found that my happiness has truly been restored in a coffee shop in monterey.

I am in law school, i have gotten a relationship with my father, i have reunited with my family and i am truly happy with where i am at.  My future is bright and at this moment when i can finally look at what i have and be happy with it, i might have moved to the next step of happiness for me.  which ever way it goes, i know that i am happy with me.  honestly happy with Christopher George Marohn. no shell, no pretend, just truly happy.

that is more that 15 years in the making, but i am. I know who i am, i know where i want to go and in the end i know that i will be happy. that is it.

now maybe i will be happy with this girl i don't know. but what i do know is that my happiness is dirieved from my great friends, family, and self.  i know now who i am and with my words i will build a monument to how happy my life has become.

what is the right thing to do

i am stuck in between a rock and a hard place.

what is right to do. do we do the right thing for everyone or just people we like. do you take it upon ourselves to do what is right when people say stay away. what do we do?

what do i do. do i do what i know is right and beytray a trust that has been there most of my life. or do i stay slient t

i am not a miracle worker, i am a fucking janitor

i do clean up.  that is all i do....all i do is clean up everyone else messes.  I don't know if i have a mess to clean up or what i did to pull this detail, but i am stuck here cleaning up for every mess, sacrificing parts of who i have become to pull the detail that i don't want to do.  I deal with x wives, x girls, current wives, current girls, old friends and new friends. I make sure the tide flows with ease.  

i am tired of it. i am tired of trying to balance my life with everyone else. i am the throw away guy, i have made a niche for myself, but in the end i will be discarded along with all the other trash when my time is done.

i guess i am tired of batting clean-up. I have tried to shine on my own and get slapped down with everyone else's bullshit.  

today was teh second day that i had to take off to play clean up for my friends. i haven't recieved a thanks, i haven't been told i owe you one, it has come off like it is my fucking job to do this. Like I am the one who SHOULD do this.  

i am just tired of it.

fuck this.....i am just going to run away....

G-d fearing???

I am a Christian male. that is simple, i may not live by your rules, and i may not do the things that you self-appointed Christians believe are to be right and wrong, but i am a Christian. I operate under the belief that G-d wants me to be happy and accepting of all his children. Which is hard at times when the Christians i meet on a regular basis tell me that my path is wrong.

I was in a debate today about G-d Fearing. I don't fear G-d nor will i ever. I know and love a G-d that is slow to anger and quick to forgive. I don't know a vengeful G-d.

I am not going to sit here and write that i am some perfect person without sin, but i am happy. i may do things that i will have to account for later in life, and some of th things i do i have to account for now, but in the end I have to account for them. Not you and your judgmental eyes. I don't judge you spilling your hate and hypocritical teaching into your children like morning vitamins.

It has taken me a long time to find my faith in G-d. It has taken the strength that i never knew i had to stand up and realize that i love G-d. I have done this through personal demons, religious advisors and most importantly friends that never gave up on me.

It took a while to break the sterotype of Christians that has been ingrained in my life. I have always been FORCED to believe something that i know is not right. I have always been told what to worship rather than giving me the tools to find out answers for myself. and when i brought challenges to the attention of my "teachers" there were quick to disspell me personally rather than deal with the question.

Now that i am a man i fear no G-d, i am scared of no death, for i know where i will be going when it all ends. I know that i am cool with G-d, we are homies. it is hard for people, espically, people i grew up, to understand my belief of acceptance and forgivness. but in the end that is what jesus was about to me. he didn't push anyone away he kept everyone for everyone.

that is what i don't understand. but i am on a rant that should end...cause i could go on for hours.

but i will end with this.

Why do we need to fear a G-d? Don't worry about the after life, make good in this life and you will be fine in the after life.

remember never fear what you can't understand, accept that you can't understand and move forward.

Obama and small town America

Over the weekend Democratic presidential hope full Barack Obama made some "elitist" remarks toward middle class America.

as a person coming from a small town in California, i agree with what he said. it is very accurate about small towns. The problem is that people don't want to see it. they want to pander and suck to to American's making them believe that everything is ok.

343

343 a number that most people, even in my generation, can not tell you what it stands for.

343 is the number that will always rock to the soul of me no matter how many things happen in my life.

343 is the number of firefighters lost in 9-11. i don't know why this rocks me now, 6.5 years later. why does 9-11 rock me to my core now.

This is why, i never really investigated 9-11 personally. i took it for face value on TV. I didn't know anyone in NY at the time, i have no personal connection to what happened other than being an outraged American. but now with my pending trip to the east coast i am rocked by what 9-11 really meant to me.

i am a patriot. With everything that is in me, i love America just as much as any other patriot. i will not leave and i will always fight for the freedom of my country. so i look at 9-11 through different eyes now.

i look through tearful eyes. though eyes that for the first time since the attack look and see that life that was lost. the brave men and women who gave all for this nation. the hero's who were lost, the men and women who were never lacking on courage or honor stepped on the to the floors of the WTC that morning knowing they might not step out.

343 the number of firefighters who gave their lives to world. 343 families that lost a son or daughter or husband or wife or father or mother or partner or lover or friend or all of the above. 343 heroes gone, but never forgotten.

I am not one to quote President Bush for anything, but his quote at the dedication of these brave Firefighters strikes me, he said "the time for morning may be over, but the time for remembering never will be."

i have dishonored these men and women by not paying attention to what happened that day. i just filed it under attack and the loss of American life. but 9-11 was much more than that. it was the day that will ring forever in history as the day the world cried. the day where 343 normal men and women catapulted themselves into the eyes of the world as the protectors of freedom. it was no longer the police or the military, it was everyday firefighters who stepped up and gave all for the lives of the innocent. without pride or prejudice, the ran in never to be seen again.

I now realized how i have not honored these men, and have made that change. we all need to step back a see what we have done to remember these heroes. we all show respect in different ways, but please i beg you, never forget.

this isn't a plea to never forget 9-11 for i am sure everyone for the rest of there days will remember where they were on that morning, but i would like to remember more than just a day that the US was attacked, it was the day when real heroes, like the ones you read about, walked there last step and gave their life to this country, not for personal gain, but to save someone else.

Guts like that don't come standard with everyone. Courage like that is a trait that should be honored and respected with every breath, every wave of the flag and every tear that is seen over this day.

I have new respect for firefighters, they are the true heros of our lives. so as i roll into NY to see ground zero and the 9-11 memorial wall, i will hold a moment of remberence for these brave few who gave everything, and make sure my life is served making sure that they didn't die in vain.

emotional currency........

we all deal in it... weather we guilt people into doing what we want, or sharing in the love of a happy moment. we deal with emotional currency, we use it the good and the bad. 

i am not saying that i haven't done the good and the bad..i have manipulated people the best way possible, i have used and abuse the emotions of people in my life. i have also lived in the glory of all the moments of all the people i have ever loved.  

we all have, i believe that is human nature we use people not always in a bad way. we use people and they use us.  that is what we do.

but at what point do we use each other too much.

people don't like being told what people see them as. we don't like to be told what we really are. i know that i am an asshole, i accept it sometimes and push it off as a source of pride, but in truth i don't like being an asshole, but i also don't like being quiet, i don't like people abusing the life that they are granted.  

i know that they has been a theme in my writing and i know what the source of it is.  i understand that you guys are tired of reading this shit, i just need to be done with it. and with her.

fuck it...time to move on my own...

later dear readers 

struggling

i am struggling with so much right now. i has i have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders before, i have never felt this weight.

i don't know why i am in this funk, but i am. recent events have pushed me here, away from everything that i want to know and do know, into something that is so completely fucking random that i can't even see straight....RANDOM yo.

i just hold my head back and embrace all the problems that i am dealing with . i am holding my own against a world of shit that is running into my wall.

and now my pet peeves that i can usually throw to the way side are cracking the foundation of my ability to hold fast the problems, and i am pretty sure that i am going to fucking go nuts on someone really quickly...

this is my rant.....here we go.

i am tired of holding myself to standards that are above everyone elses standards, and then having them to expect me to do favors at my standard with out any recouse on their side. and the occasional favor to compensate for the overwhelming number of favors i do for you is not just compensation.

you need to quit relying on peoples sympathies to get your shit done, you are a grown ass person, start fucking acting like it. i am tired of you constant whinning and complainning and you need to be told you are right and blah blah blah. Grow up and be strong. Stop being a douche.

i am tired of having shit thrown at me becuase they feel like it is ok to keep piling shit one me. Oh chris can do it, oh it is no big thing we don't need to ask chris, oh no blah blah blah. i am tired of it. Stop using my name for currency in your fucked game of emotional monopoly. I don't have the time nor the want to clean up your fucking messes.

you made your bed, you gave your word, now fucking back it up. you have 2 things in this life you back and your word, don't break either for anyone.

i am tired of being a high standard person and you trading on credit that isn't even yours to get me to do favors for you. you are fucking with fire bitch and i will burn this mutha fuka down if you get to cocky. i do favors for you because of a loyality that i have to someone very close to you. and that is it. if this person wasn't around you would fucking drop off my radar like stealth. I don't have the need to help you, but you trade favors that aren't yours and put me in a place challenging my loyality.

and how dare you challenege my loaylity. i was here long before you and i will be here long after you are gone. so bide your time, keep steping incorrect and i will be sure to banish you from anywhere my rule lies. You will be but a sad memory when i am done. you fuck with me you will incur my wrath.

so keep fucking around, i am plotting and one day when you get confortable with the world you have mascraded i will snap it out from under you and leave you holding the truth. The cold, hard, painful truth. that you are nothing, will be nothing, and have nothing to bring to anything. you are useless.

and i pity you.

end rant..........

lost, trying to find a way...

i have struggled with this blog for a long time. I don't know what to say.

recently i was told that a person that i never met, never knew, and never really cared for pasted away. Now that might not rock many usually it doesn't rock me. People die everyday.

but this person was the 6 month old son of a friend of mine. This isn't a friend i have seen recently. but we have emailed back and forth for the past year. and we have grown from stories and friends.

so when i was informed that her baby boy had passed i couldn't move.

i have had my share of death in life. I have been to more funerals than i would like to talk about, but this kid hit me like a truck and i dont know why.

i always wonder about how great G-d is and i know that his plan is far better than any plan that i could ever conceive, but i wonder to why he feels the need to take this child or any child.  I don't know how i could ever understand what is going on. 

So I  sit and think on it, and let it stew, not telling anyone how i feel or the way this eats at me up inside trying to understand in all of G-d's wisdom.  i just find it hard to understand. 

One day everything will make sense but until then we face all these unknowns in the hope of finding a guiding light that will some how let us live the day, not understand, but accept what has happened.

i hope one day to find that acceptance, and maybe move forward. Until then i will search for something that i know i could never find. For it isn't the beginning or the end, but the journey that truly matters.

it has been a hot minute

i have written in a while. i don't know why, but all these ideas and poetry have been running around my head. I have had a lot to say, but rather than put it on digital paper i have said it, when needed and let it go when needed.

not that i only write when i need to say something but can't. i just write when the mood strikes and the mood is striking me. i don't know what i have to say so i am going to ramble until a coherent thought comes out.

i have decided that i have a great life. I have a job that i can make my own hours at and get paid still whatever hours i work. I am a fan of that. I have a great roommate who is a lavish pimp. i have great friends that at the drop of any hat would be at my aide if and when needed.

I have a wonderful life. i can't fight it anymore, i have tried to be down and say that shit is fucked up in my life but at the end of the day all i can do is smile.  i could dwell on what i don' t have and try to find what i think i need but at the end of the day i am the in a position to be the best i have ever been.  Nothing holding me back but my own stupid bullshit.

this is me still rambling.  and i love, it is going to make for a long blog but it is tons of fun. so stop reading now and will get back to my rambling.  

i could continue about having a great life, but in the end i don't want to rub it in.

i am in a good place now in life, my cards are lining up and i will be able to do everything that is needed in life to make this the life i want. not the life that any wants for me.  It has taken a long time for me to be this happy.

as i look at my social calendar for the next 4 months before the start of law school and it is crazy as hell. i wish i had more time and money, so i can go even bigger, but that is me being shelfish.  at the end of the day life is great and i am better than ever. nothing can keep me down.  

i am a fan.

that is all.

The reclaiming of the wrongs in your life

i have done a fair amount of bad in my life, a greater amount of good, but i still focus on all the bad that i did.  i fear that the sins of my past will come back to revisit me and the price would be to much to bear. With that fear i move forward trying to make a life where i don't fear but love who i am and what i do.

Respect for the dead....

my family lacks that tact.

i received a phone call this evening telling me that my great aunt died. I did not know this woman from eve, but i do have some fond memories of laughter and love of her. i am not shaken or am i grief filled, but what i am is pissed. My family acts as those we are the outcasts, as in my mother, my brother, and me.

we are not part of "their" family because we are non-religious or because we didn't fit the "Conway" mode or whatever they fucking excuse is, they don't like us.  For those of you who know me best, know how i feel about people who don't like me. I be me even more just to piss them off.

I am Christopher G. Marohn, I hide from no one, i have respect to everyone who has earned it, i will not be quiet and i do not lie. I am a man, i will stand for what i know and fright for what is right.

The tree of liberty needs to be refreshed from time to time with the blood of tyrants and patriots. I believe that the family tree needs to be refreshed from time to time with the lessons of the dead and the living, that we learn from the gap we put it no our own lives, from what we want our family to be and what our family really is.

 

 

when it rains it poors

i just don't understand life, nor as i try to find my way i see that i am more and more lot than i thought i was.  But we come to then intersection. where i have a lot going for me, and i still bitch about the things that i don't have.  but now what do i have to bitch about. i am working on the girl, could be noice could be crazy. i have the job and i am about to have the law school..whats left for me.

life and life alone..

we will see you on the flip side

the drama that fuels the stamina that rules the the faces that fool me into places that i don't want occupy. but when i try to deny all the lies that hold my truths, i find that my world is nothing more than a dream in a hope of a lie that would be true if i actully could prove that i am not the one to loose but gain from the rain that storms my pain and strife. trying to find this notion that is a life and maybe a wife.

with the rules that i have broken by me justifying my own lies in believing that truth l

eh...this is how i fell..

the drama that fuels the stamina that rules the the faces that fool me into places that i don't want occupy. but when i try to deny all the lies that hold my truths, i find that my world is nothing more than a dream in a hope of a lie that would be true if i actully could prove that i am not the one to loose but gain from the rain that storms my pain and strife. trying to find this notion that is a life and maybe a wife.

with the rules that i have broken by me justifying my own lies in believing that truth lye in all the time spent wanting, wasting, welding an image of a life that i could not obtain from the phasade of me and the socially constructed me.

how i roll

but in truth this time of where and rhyeme i don't drop a dime on my kind, but reserve the favor to suit my daily flavor and to make everyone savor the freedom that provided with by undivided spoken speachs that so reach us, through words that are preached to us to teach us that the way can be shown this day by a man who knows that he can survive the rest and make his service the best to reclaim the treasure chest that is his own life

off the top of my head

friendship.....

what you would do for your friends?

you can talk all you want, but when you are your witts end with everything, espically your friend

it is the days that we see in her eyes, it is the nights that we spent in her heart and it is the years we loose in their soul.

Honor, loyalty, and Respect

These are the words that i have used to create a life spent severing the betterment of the human race. I don't ever use these words lightly. and when i use them to describe a person, i make sure that the person is worth those words. They are words that are not easily earned or given, they are not just words they are codes of conduct, and ways of life. You don't just have honor you are honor, you don't show loyalty you live it, and respect is something you give to get in return.

These are the words that i look for when choosing my friends, investing time in to girls, and most of all keeping the people in my life. We all have the responsibility to contribute to the betterment of EVERYONE, not just the people we like. We have the responsibility to help the poor, the responsibility to protect the weak, and we have the responsibility to take on the system that protects its own. ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. that means that those who can help bring equality in America need to. Great power comes greater responsibility. For who much has been give, much will be required, therefore we, as Americans, have the fundumental responsibility to help our neighbor, no matter what. Men and Women who stand up to this call and welcome the change are the true leaders of this nation, and for those look away welcome shame, as well as violence into their house.

I will not welcome shame ever into my life, there for i will stand up and fight. I will use the words of honor, respect and loyalty as a life defending what i know what is right.

Love......

the feelings of a first date, the butterflies of the first kiss, the look of the first "i love you" and the fear that comes from the "will you marry me".

all these felling encompass love and what love does to people. But is that really it. I have loved, i have lost, i have won, i have done things only capable because i was in love.

but what is love, we could spend a million hours and say a billion things and never ever ever begin to describe what love is for me...i will go into it right now, but i have borrow, stole, used and created words for all over to find my definition of love. so as i plagiarize some, and create a new, i have found that my definition of love is a mixture of song and poetry and life and death and loss and gain and birth and me.

I know that I have loved someone in the way that we dream of love, the way we speak of love and the way we hold out love to be our everything, but I also know that she did not love me back. EVER. She may have said she did may have tried to but never did. Though I have loss her forever I remember what love is and what it can do to people.

Love in itself is the reason for everything. It is why we live. We live to love, not to hate, not to breathe, not to work, we live to love. Weather it is to love our work, or our money or our pain or our anger, or our spouse or our friends, we live to love and be loved. Everything in life is love, respect is love, confidence is love, anger is love. All emotions stem from love one way or another. We wouldn’t hate so much, if we didn’t love it to begin with. We wouldn’t fight so hard if it wasn’t worth loving and we wouldn’t die for them if we just liked time. LOVE my friends, it is simple and it is worth it.

People of all levels of experience and intelligence tell me about love, about how we love this so much and we love that so much and blah blah blah, but when they go into how someone else could not love because they did (insert example here). I find that to be offensive. For who are we to doubt the love that one has for themselves, their family, their country whatever. We all have the capisity of love, and that is to be feared more than anything else.

That is the ulitimate queston. What would you do for love. And what you would do to protect a loved one. I could personally do some damage, very bad damage, and have done damage for the people that I love, with out thinking twice about anything. I could sacrifice everything I am, and everything that I am not to protect what I love, or to strike out against the people who hurt my love ones. I could do that and it scares the shit out of me.

Love isn’t what we read about. It can be what we want it to be, and what we don’t want it to be. You can talk about love. How it makes you feel so great, how you can do whatever is possible of love. A love that makes you dance when no one is looking or a love that makes you run back for one last hug or a love that keeps you warm at night.

Or you can talk about that other kind of love. The love that makes you do things the next man couldn’t. the things we don’t talk about deep in our souls. That is also love. But most people don’t want to see that love, they don’t want to see a man who loves something so much that he would die as an example to that love. No one wants that. Except for the man who wants to love that much. Or the person who kills to protect what he loves. Even if the killing is in cold blood, to stop an event from happening. That kind of love we don’t talk about. It is the love that we all can do, and we are all afraid of it so we don’t talk about it.

I am afraid of what I have done and what I can do. I never really understood the power of love until I looked in the mirror one day and realized what I was capable of. From the great highs that love can give to the lowest of the low. Where all you can do is nothing in the form of everything wrong to protect your love.

I am not saying that I am a person on the edge that is about to go ape shit, but I am trying to say is that people need to understand that the love of one person can do.

I love life, and everything that it has done for me, with me and against me. Life has a way of evening itself out when shit gets rough it always gets better, it may take a few YEARS, but it always gets better.

My love is deep. I don't easily, but when i do, it is forever. I do not stop because life has changed or we have changed, i still love. i hold love to be the best a person can be. it makes all do the things in life for a better reason. Love is the reason that everything is done in my life. Love for the law, love for my friends, love for life in general is why i wake up in the mornings and do what is needed for me to get done. I love everything about my life, everything that it holds, everything that is has loss, everything that i want it to be. I love it all.

why, you ask, would a person who has gone through as much bullshit that i have, became the person who stands for love over everything else in life. and honestly i believe that my life has been no more fucked up than anyone else. We all have a crazy life, we all have done shit or have had shit done to us that makes our family just a good or bad as the next. so i look at life as an opportunity to improve where i can from. I look at my parents, and grandparents and great grandparents and i want to be better off then them. I want to have more options then them, i want to give my kids a better life than i had.

that is why i love more than anything else. for all the goals in my life you can't accomplish with the burden of hate or anger on your chest. You have to be open to the ideals of love and learning. Pride is something that you gain through this process. that is just life.

i love everything that i am and everything that i am not, i strive to be better than what i was, and become stronger than who i am. that is just how i roll.

in the end i am ranting about the power of love. and all that need to be said will never be said correctly for love is different for us all, but at the end of the day all you need is love......

Family is to blame.

i have been called an asshole, a control freak, a godfather, a superior, a strong will, a guiding light, a plight for danger, and a bad influence. i agree that i am all those things, but lay the blame on my family.

we are not your ordinary family, or maybe we are. we all have issues, we are all fucked, some of us are blessed with the perfect family, and so of us are just blessed. I have never claimed that my family is more fucked up than next, we all do the compare game where we say this or that about our family and see who is the most dysfunctional. I am not the most normal, but i am not the most fucked i know that.

I grew up with my mother a very caring person. She put herself out in front of everyone and took the brunt of the ill will of a town that will never accept a single mother, black person or liberal. This town beat her down because she was different. Not one of their "kind" so i learned really quickly to defend who i am. Also to that my bother desperately needed to sit at the popular table, but was always on the outside. He never got to be as cool as the cool kids and i know that it eats him up even to this day. Trying to find his place in life, he is constantally trying to be everything to everyone, to help everyone even to the point of self-destruction. He is the general of good intentions, and i love him for it.

my father is the quint essential asshole. Never cares what any thinks, does what he wants, what he thinks is cool, and people come to him. I believe that i am like my father. I believe that i am my fathers son. I act for me, i do for others, but i act for me. I live by my rules, now more than ever. I don't care who thinks what i am or who i am, i am out for me, but at the same time i have something that my father never has had. that is understanding to work with people that you don't get along with. You can't always have the 20 year old perspective that you are top dog and people should bow down. I don't have that in my career, my schooling, or in my important rules of conduct.

I will say that i don't give a fuck on what people think of me. i have a huge bark and a horrible bite. I am also not afraid to use either. Never have never will. i have proven this on many occasions from high school douche bags, to college professors, to family. Yes even family has felt my wrath.

For i believe that i was raised by my mom. She was there for me from learning how to throw a baseball to how to dance to how to talk to girls (hence why i am single JOKING). But I got my strength from the fire of my fathers side of the family. My mental strength and drive came from my mother, but me being a strong asshole is my father's side alone. I will never back down to those people. I will never appear weak, i will not faulter. It is a war, every conversation they look for weakness, every word they find judgments. Every minute they see what is wrong. And i don't have that. My mother did a great job with out any of them. I will not let them bully me, judge me or hold me down to show much "better" i could have been if they would have raised me.

So this was re-affirmed by the conversation that i had with my grandmother 3 years ago, that ended in bad spirits on both ends. She told me that it was my fault that my father's and mine relationship was lacking. That i should be the one (at 23) to mend the bridge between the two of us. I told her to fuck off. I told her that i was the child, and he SHOULD want to love me, SHOULD want to have me in his life. I shouldn't have to lust after my father's attention he should give it willingly. Without pride or prejudice. Love of a father should be unconditional, without limits or boundries. I should not at 23 be responsible for the entire fate of the relationship between me and my father. eventually i did do it, but only after a long period of soul searching.

But now it comes back to the grandmother. When me and her had it out, you would have thought that i started a new era of silence. that words no longer existed. The silence between us was so loud that open spaces told us to shut up. We haven't spoke since then. Good for the both of us, until today.

I found out this weekend that she sent the standard xmas cards to my mothers old address this year for xmas and b-day. She has accused my mother of sending the cards back. i heard this through the grape vine (from my father). I felt it was just stupid and pointless, laughable even. Until i considered my family. I know that in their heart of hearts they believe that my mother is trying to keep her GROWN children from their grandparents. I think they are laughable because they still hate my mother and cherish my father.

We all did fucked up things in life, the best though was for my parents to get divorced, plain and simple. My father and mother were not right, i have no more bad feelings about it. My father is a better person, my mother is a better person and that is life. plain and simple. That is how life is for my clan. but since i was raised by my mother i have a way with her. I fight to the death, i protect to the end, i stand up and fight when people challenge anything that is agianst her. I know my mother better than anyone else on the face of the planet. She has not kept anything from me, and has answered every question i have ever asked. There fore i will stand and defend, attack, fight, lie, steal, die for whatever protects her.

That is who i am, so when someone who has no place to open their mouth to begin accused my mother for keeping me and nick from my grand parents i will fight back. People who say things and go unchallenged learn that they are the top and nothing can bring them down. And i brought them down. Maybe it was for my ego, maybe it was because i felt it was right whatever it may be i brought them down for i felt in my heart it was the right thing to do.

now comes the aftermath. one of my biggest problems is that i look before i leap. I talk before i think. I operate under the office of better to ask for forgiveness than permission. That is just me. but what i have decided that i will go and see my grandparents, for one last time before i stand by their grave. i do not say this for sympathy, but to end things the right way. I will go there and one last time hug them and tell them to their face that i love them, and tell them about my life and how i have mended my relationship with my father, to give them comfort before they go. The Chris of old would never have done this. i would have held out and said good riddance.

I have moved into a new hybrid stage of my evolution. I am still the asshole that will never back down, but i no longer hold the grudges of our family. I have forgiven everyone who has wronged me in my family, except these people, therefore it is time to let them into my heart and let the end come with good feelings and better stances then we were before. When i look back i don't want to know what it would have been like to talk to my grandparents one last time or what i could have done to make things better, i am making things better. I will not stop and i will not faulter. they may be set in there ways, but i don't have to make their mistakes, i don't have to follow in the superiority and judgmental nature that they have shown me. I can grow and be better. i will not let the Marohn chains hold me down, i will rage and when i go to my grave my head will be held high.

As i plan this to be my last visit to my grandparents until they pass, i hope that this will be one to remember full of joy and laughter. to let the past feeling of beytral and anger be lost in the good faith that is family. We will see. but what i do know is that i am making life what i want it to be again. I am taking life by my rules and taylor making it all.

don't be afarid to fail we must fall to learn to pick our selves up. Failure is just the last step to success. live, love, learn, fight, cry, laugh, like it is the end. Never hold a bad feeling and always resolve an argument.

The sun will always set on life, but how we live in the sunlight defines us forever.

this is where we begin

life so bright that it can't been see by eyes, can't be explained by words and can't be shown through emotions. this is a world where life has every meaning, the presveration of life is all that is truly important.

and what is important to me. to my life? the iea that we are all connected. we are all together, we are all one. looking to become one. I had a talk today with a friend of mine that has recently surfaced as a great friend and not someone i know...told me that we are the united states of America...i have heard this my entire life, and though we come from way different back grounds i wonder about how we think so alike. he told me that we are done being white America and black America and Mexican America, etc. we are the united states of America.

i know this sounds like a presidental speech, and it is, but to hear him say it reminded me that we are all one people under G-d. ONE PEOPLE. we are not separated by beliefs, unless we use those beliefs to separate us. we are not held together from a belief in a G-d or the idea that America is the best country in the world, but we are united because we are all people of this planet.

I am not an Mexican American. I am a MUTHA FUCKIN AMERICAN. with all the rights and privileges there of. I am born America, I live America, i work America, i act America. I AM AMERICA. hands down palms up. my blood, sweat, tears are red white and blue. i am not a solider, but i am a warrior for this country.

with that being said this is where i start my life. my path and my forged through the back streets we call survival. through the corridors of happiness and despair to the street names of pain and pleasure ending up at my density. We all take different roads as people, we go different places, but in the end we all end up in he same spot. we all end up in the ground, it is the path that takes us there, that is the stuff that dreams are made up. our ups and downs, or trials and tribulations and our successes and failures. that is what keeps us from them, the living from the dead. you could be dead to the world but still walk around, and you could be dead, but live on in the stories that are passed down from generation to generation about your life. it is all in how you want to do it.

Lost and finding, but never found...

to be lost and wonder the lonely roads of life, i find that they all end up in one place. San francisco. I didn't leave my heart there, i left my soul there. i have this world that i live in. the real world to me at least. I live and die in Monterey. not in the literal sense but in the sense that my whole life is here. my job is here, my friends (for the most part) are here, my school is here, and my people (i know that is egoistical, but i believe that the people that i can influence the best) are here. but the biggest part of me, my soul, is in SF. it is where i feel i belong, where i want to live, where i need to be. I don't understand why. Even the thought of going to SF makes me want to jump out of my office and go there. The place that attracts me the best, the place where i have the most fun just wondering, the place where i most want to be is SF, but yet i know that i can't. that is what pains me i believe.

that is why i feel lost. I can't get my head and my heart together. I know that for the rest of my life i could go on being this way, completely torn and be ok with it. i don't know why i would be ok with it but i would. I could go on with weekend trips to SF, like i used to, and be totally excited to do it. but i know now is that i need to find that place where i can have my heart and my head together. I know that when law school starts and what not i will be way to busy to worry about stupid shit like that, but i know now that i need to find the medium in my life before i get way to crazy over this shit..

It won't be easy, but it should be fun. Trying to find out how to find balance, that is what life is about honestly. trying to find a balance between everything from love and hate, to passion and loath. that is what i am trying to do. i know that SF is the place for me, but i know that monterey will hold the best opportunities for me. I know that i need to stay in monterey, the adult in me tells me that Monterey is where i should be, and that shouldn't be stupid enough to pass up the opportunities that i would recieve in this location. SF will always be there, and i can always go there, but i can't always have the opportunity to become a lawyer from a firm that wants me to go so bad that they are willing to pay for it. I don't want to start over from the bottom again, even though i could do it. I don't want to go nuts over stupid shit again. Running into fucked up X's, but having a great time in my place that holds sway over my soul.

Some people will never understand why i love SF so much, but it is very simple for me. VERY VERY SIMPLE. i made SF my own on my own terms. they may have been fucked up terms, i may have moved up there for a girl that was never mine to begin with, but i needed that time in SF to grow stronger as an individual. i needed that time to become a man. to finially find my legs to stand on. to finally be able to look my boss in the eyes and tell him to fuck off. to finally realize that a job is not important, that money is not important, that standing up for what is right is the only thing that matters. that no longer will i be a slave to my bank account. that i will do what i want not what i need. Handle my business and not worry about what others think or how they will react.

I became a man in SF. I slowed my drinking, i got my piroties in check, i got some great friends, and i learned to survive on my own, against the odds of all who doubted me. I survived and thrived and created a place for Me. SF is mine, as well as other peoples, but it is MINE. i own that place, all the memories, all the heart ache, all the jazz. It is mine. from the corner shops, to the knock offs. I was SF and SF was me. All the cuture and all the education all the people and all the hole in the wall shops. YOu could spend a year in SF wondering the street 24/7 and you will never see half of what that city has to offer. It is, to me, the best place on earth. I love it with everything that i am. It is who i want to be, it is where i want to be, but it is the place that i could never be. at least not now.

we will see when the world shifts where i end up, but for now i have to be content with monterey, figure out how to line up the head and the heart and go from there.

i know that it will be hard, and won't happen today or tomorrow, but i will happen. When it does i will look back and see that everything that i have done in my life to end to this moment, and this time. i know that everything that hasn't happend, and has happened and will happen is for the greater good of who i am. and in the end everything has been worth it. all the pain and heart ache, all the simles and laughs and all the tears would have been worth where i am in my life.

for i live my own way, with my own rules and my own agenda. I stand for THE CHRIS, nothing more nothing less. I am here for me, but as i work i work for others as well. I am here for my people (i know that is ego talking, but go with it) and i will not let my agenda slip for what i want to accomplish because i need to have my head in the right place and the heart will follow.

but i know now that my monthly trips to SF are going to be very important for this and in the end. I love life. and i will find a way.

what we do for life.....

life is a four letter word just like everything else. i can be great at times, can suck at times. but in the end you know you won't get out alive.

I have lived my life in seval different stages. This current stage of my life has made me feel more alive than any of the previous. I have lived a many stages, and many types of lives, one that where i creatd a world of lies only to find that the truth is only what everyone else precieves it to be. and i have been the createer of a world where i made everyone need me for one reason or another, but in the end actually being myself is the real feeling that i love. I have achieved all the goals that i have set for my self for my life sans one. i am working my life to the way i want it to be, i am involved in the charities and campigns that i want to be in and i am having the time of my life. I work a job that i love, and on the path to taking over the monterey peninsula. Soon i will complete my law school education, and i will have to find some new goals. that is the problem that i am seeing right now. I don't have any new goals. i don't have any in sight. I really don't have direction anymore.

I am a failing fash light in a hallway. i have a general direction on where i am going, but i am not sure where i am, or really what is in store for me. that not only scares me but it makes me hella happy. i know that i will never fail in life. i don't let myself even believe for a second that failure is an option to me. so i will wonder, looking for something to attach myself to, looking for direction, but not ever lending myself to who i used to be.

This is the time for me to shine, i no longer need a guide in the form of anything for i will shine for me and me alone. I can do this, i don't need direction i will find my way on my own. This is what i do. I am The Chris, and as i feel rushed to finish this blog....

i will continue this much much much later......just remember that you don't need to have a light in the dark hall, you are the light shine on your own and all will be fine.

THIS ABOVE ALL TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.

serious?

they just don't get that life could be fun...that we do all our serious things, but we don't need to stress about work or about this or that. that we can laugh and be stupid or silly, make weird noises just for fun and dance out in the street because the song in our head is so much better than what where hear walking

that being loud is fun and ruckus is always a good time...that there is no "within the lines" type situations and we all play where we want. growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional...

serious is way to over rated. we have to be serious at work, why at home. we are not in a world without laughter without joy without love, then why do we get pissy after a bad day at work, why do we not leave that at the door. Life sucks, wear a helmet, but for the time that we have in this world is way to short to ever worry about being angry or serious.

I have taken a life that is very serious, i work in a serious atmosphere, i have serious problems, and responsibilities, but that doesn't stop me from being silly or fun or funny or rambunctious. It doesn't make me want everyone to "grow up" i hate that. I am silly god damn it. I love making random noises just to be weird, to laugh to smile to love to do whatever i want and be whoever i want to be without caring or conscious. I don't worry about the next day at work or where my next dollar will come from, i just live.

i love to laugh and be silly, i love to dance in the middle of the street and see people's reactions, i love it. it makes me happier than anything else. laughter is the cure all. i love to just look over at one of my friends and do something that is stupid or funny or embarrassing just for a laugh. I don't care about it. Laugh god damn it....just FIRKIN LAUGH.

i am not going to change my way of being because the girls that i like or the people i know think that i should act more adult...fuck that noise. I want to be a big kid, i want to have fun, i want to laugh. I handle my business, my school, my check book just fine while still acting like a child. Making people laugh and smile and remember that life is more important than just the clothes you wear and the car you drive.

and don't front, everyone loves to laugh, so why don't we do it......

if you ain't laughing you ain't living.

oxymoron...the life of me

I'm in a hallway dark to the night, light in the dark shining with out light, bright as the black that consumes me, not knowing where to go but seeing the end of the hall. to a door where i can't reach a handle for the understanding to open the door is lost to me like a child trying to do calculus. I am looking for the strength to reach the handle but getting blinded by the darkness that consumes the outline of the handle.

Morning comes, but the light is to bright to see, light so loud that it is deafening to look at, trying to decipher how a windowless room is bright as the sun, closing off all avenues of escape for i can't see to save my eyes. Looking, squinting, reaching, holding what i believe to be a door, but is actually a book, laughing at me from the pages of day and night taunting the rules of the world i live in, challenging me to be brighter than dark and darker than bright all at the same time.

to live in the light but walk in the dark. to love the dark, but lust for the light. the challenge of keeps sanity in insane mindless wonder of love drunk sober drivers. leading the way out of the day into the night that is just as bright as the day was dark and in the end

silence so loud that mountains whispers the news from peak to peak looking for places that only existed in books about nothing and speeches about everything. Library's that shout the news like systems of noise build for destruction of ear drums, with out care and with malice try to hide the truth only spoken in dark hallways where handles can't be reached.

the world to me....

what is this world and why do we live in it. i have an issue with words. i find that i can use them to explain how i feel, but i can never use them to their full extent. I can write and give speachs with the best of them. but when it comes to the times when words mean the most to me i am at a loss. every once and a while i can come up with some thing great, or have the right thing to say at the right time, but when it comes to people that i really need to show who i am i just don't have the words. i just can't. i don't know why, and it isn't the people i "need" to impress, it is girls or friends. I can whip out the right speech that is needed for when a friend needs the help or when someone thinks they did some thing wrong. i can pull on my experience in life to help them get through most anything. Or when they need advice i can be on the spot, but when it really comes down to what is right and wrong with everything i clam up. when it is something that i am actually worried about, i get quiet and i don't speak up i just let it go until i can no longer take it and blow up over something stupid. that is the way of my life. i am not proud of it, nor do i endorse what i do as a way to handle things, but at the end of the day i will work to make a better.

i have tons of words, some that make people feel better, and some that bring light things that lay hidden. but when it comes to me to be the man i want to be i can't seem to get out the right words. I love poetry, i love able to wraps words into everything from life to loss from pain to happiness, just have a way with words until it comes time for me to speak on my behalf.

It took me over 9 tries to get 2 pages about myself for a personal statment for law school. Even then i felt the statement sucked ass. so that is my bitchy problem. i don't know how it has come to pass or why even i can't write about myself, that that is me me and me alone. so be it.