I am not a Christmas person

I find it hard to believe that every year I am more down than the year before but i am. I had a great Xmas a few years ago with a woman I loved very much but that time has passed. Now I have nothing. I just look at Xmas with their happy families and i realize that my family will never be that. My mom is a lonely woman my brother is controlled by his girlfriend and my father wouldnt even know how to give a fuck so I am stuck reading about everyones happy Xmas with their family and I am just over. Wish I could go back to work where I feel like I do something.

I am here pretending to have a good time and consoling my mother to show her that she is not alone in the world and I am feeling super alone. I hate this time of year. My birthday is coming up and i just don't give a shot this year. Just want to keep my head down and get through the next few years move away and start all over.

I am just rambling but I have been feeling very disconnected with everything lately and i just want to move on. Who knows what 2011 will bring. I just hope peace of mind is somewhere in there.

what teachers make

He says the problem with teachers is, "What's a kid going to learn
from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"
He reminds the other dinner guests that it's true what they say about
teachers:
Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

I decide to bite my tongue instead of his
and resist the temptation to remind the other dinner guests
that it's also true what they say about lawyers.

Because we're eating, after all, and this is polite company.

"I mean, you¹re a teacher, Taylor," he says.
"Be honest. What do you make?"

And I wish he hadn't done that
(asked me to be honest)
because, you see, I have a policy
about honesty and ass-kicking:
if you ask for it, I have to let you have it.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I can make a C+ feel like a Congressional medal of honor
and an A- feel like a slap in the face.
How dare you waste my time with anything less than your very best.

I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall
in absolute silence. No, you may not work in groups.
No, you may not ask a question.
Why won't I let you get a drink of water?
Because you're not thirsty, you're bored, that's why.

I make parents tremble in fear when I call home:
I hope I haven't called at a bad time,
I just wanted to talk to you about something Billy said today.
Billy said, "Leave the kid alone. I still cry sometimes, don't you?"
And it was the noblest act of courage I have ever seen.

I make parents see their children for who they are
and what they can be.

You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder,
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write, write, write.
And then I make them read.
I make them spell definitely beautiful, definitely beautiful, definitely
beautiful
over and over and over again until they will never misspell
either one of those words again.
I make them show all their work in math.
And hide it on their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you got this (brains)
then you follow this (heart) and if someone ever tries to judge you
by what you make, you give them this (the finger).

Let me break it down for you, so you know what I say is true:
I make a goddamn difference! What about you?

Jealousy

I know that i am a jealous man. i look at what other people have and i want a part of it. I wish i din't feel this way but i do. Why i ask you

Gavin Newsom

The man is the truth. Hands down.

I was honored to be present at a small gathering at the Bagley's house. This gathering included elected city wide officials from around the monterey penninsula and, of course, Mayor Newsom.

Mayor Newsom spoke for about 1/2 hour, pure off the cuff, but i am sure he is making the same talking points that he has done all over the state of California.

He pointed out several things that need to be addressed in California. Education, Jobs, and the budget.

He started the talk with a plug for John Laird. In true team leader fashion he highlighted the important parts of the special election that is coming with John Laid. As most of us know that is the most important thing we can focus. He gave a very nice speech about the importance of John's forsight for the budget and his ability to cross party lines to make sure that california is fully represented in her growth as a state.

Once Gavin started into the speech about his vision for California he was electric. The man is the truth. He is the future and i will be sure give my suppor to him.

There is no question that i love san francisco.

Betrayal

oh i invited you into my house, introduced you to my friends, showed you my family. brought you in when no one would take you. treated you like a brother, made a world for you and this is how you repay my loyalty. You starting dating my x who i am still living with and tell me that want my permission and want me not to be mad.

oscar wilde said "true friends stab you in the front" and this is true for you. i have shown you unequivial loyalty and opened my whole world to you. You know how i feel and you know that this bothers me, but yet that doesn't matter to you and your crush.

Of all the things i have done to make you feel at home, all the things i have safcried so you could live here, all the bullshit that i went through to give you a home and this is how you repay me. This is how you treat a loyal friend, and this is how you find your way in life. Of course you will want to be with her, she is all you see, she is your world. You refuse to go out and see the world, you refuse to go out and meet people, you are too afaird to be a man and so you wimper into something that is easy.

it must be nice not having to go out and get things on your own and have everything handed to you. it must be nice to have not to have to be in the world have a guaranteed job and everything at your finger tip. Yes i am jealous, yes i do wish i had it as easy at you, but i don't. I have to work at everything that i do, i have with toil over every dollar and i have to make every opportunity.

I don't get a bye, i get to work. it is people like you that keep people like me motivated to make life worth something. So thank you, thank you for giving me the motivation to make sure that they system that has made you lazy and taught you that loyalty is just another word in scrabble will not continue to future generations. The haves will come down and i will bring you down.

Living here with you and her has just reminded me that people like you too don't want friendship, you want minions. you don' t want respect you want fear. you don't want loyalty you want obedience. and i have none of those for you. I am done being your "friend" and having you shit on me. In your own words you have said you feel like shit. If you weren't doing the wrong thing you wouldn't feel like shit.

This was the last straw. you have chosen you side and it is not with me, you were once a friend, now you are on the way side. I have given you loyalty and you have returned betrayal. So now i hope that one day you will wake up and realize that everything that you once thought i was is now no more. Our friendship died this day. for no real friend would be doing what you are doing.

this is my manifesto of rejection from a friendship that meant more to me than to you. In the end i hope you find peace, for right now you don't know what you have lost, but one day when you realize what has happened you will be standing alone wishing for my help, but not receiving it.

this year is already horrible

This is the only place i know that people don't read, and i need to get all of this off my chest. i won't use names, but events, feelings, and happenings are all true to form and have a slight biast because they happened to me and i feel like shit.

I had a gril that i was going to marry. I had every full intention of spending the rest of my life with her and all that jazz. we broke up officially in july, but we kept having sex, and holding hands and telling each other we loved each other and blah blah blah... to her that is just what you do with friends, with me not so much. I don't view that type of relationship where sex is involved, intimacy is involved, declaration of a love that is not a friendship type love inovolved, the hand holding the cuddling, sleep together all of it is not what "friends do". but to her that is exactly what friends do.

lately she has been involved sexually with some "friend" of mine. She doesn't think she did anything wrong because we are not together and he is her friend too and they didn't have sex. that it is perfectly normal for "friends" to do what they did. I on the other hand are of the belief that you don't do that with friends. I will not get into the specific sexual act, just know that it wasn't actual penetration.

I have been trying to deal with all these emotions of my own, but now i have to deal with all of their emotions as well because i am not dealing in a way that they want. they want me to act a certain way so they can get past this and move on, they want to "help" me so i will understand and start to deal and they want it all done now. Well they get to fuck off, because they don't get to dictate to me anything about how i live my life, how i operate my emotions and how i do things in my life.

i am just getting tired of coming home and immediately having to defend who i am. i am geting tired of having to run from my home where i pay equal rent because i have to deal with these people. i am sick of having to fucking defend myself at every turn because these fucks want things done their way. Get over it. I am not doing shit your way.

I just want to come home from a great night with my friends and not have to deal with the bullshit drama that comes from my housemates. They sit there and call this a "family" where we are all "family" in truth it is just bullshit cause they are going to do what they want no matter who they hurt and that is not a family that is just people you get to run over.

I don't want to be part of this family. I don't want to have to claim to know these people and i don't want the constant embarrassment of these people on my soul. Everywhere i turn i have to look at these fucking people and it pisses me off, every time i see my house i see lies and every time i try to fix anything it just gets more fucked because these people have no clue how to be real.

These people have no friends and they wonder why. They treat family like this and they wonder why friends don't exist. They wonder why they lean on each other rather than making the friends of the world. They are jealous of me and my network of people because i am real and they are not. They want to have what i have and because they can't, they try to drag me down. I am not a weak person, but in situations like this i am brought down do to my need to help everyone.

I have started this year by seeing my friendship fail with someone who was extremely close to me. i went through my birthday knowing the woman that i loved was giving her love to another man, and a lesser man than I. And i have just spent that last few weeks dealing with the betrayal of friendship that was a lie from the get go. I can not longer stand here and have these people drag me down. This fake ass wannabe friends, who want to use me to their own end have yet to prove the simple fact that friendship is not always beneficial, it is ups and downs. It is good times and in bad, but as long as you have trust friendship will endure all the bad times and all the long storms. These friendships are built on sand. and i am tired of rebuilding other persons shitty planning.

I am out.