i was born to say i love you....

i have never felt more truth to these words.  not so much that i have never loved, but i have just never felt this way. 

i have felt the love and the want to be together and the great feelings that are me and blah blah blah...but i have never gotten along with a chick as well as i do now.

it was one of those first sight things. i saw her from the across the classroom, but in the end we 

you ever feel like you do to much....you say to much or you try to contact to much and you end up being hella dumb....

that is how i feel

poetry....

it is no longer the words but the actions that define me. 

it is no longer the thought of what is going to happen, it is now or never.

this is the time for words to die and actions to survive.

i need to make the move..

and the move is simple....time to man the fuck up

but anyways...i almost had a chance to do it tonight...the mood was right the place was great and she is phenominal as always.

i know taht thursday we will hang and i know that i will see what she can do and we will see what we are made of. i am not going to get hammered but i will drink. i am going to see where she stands when she stands next to me.

so we will see, only a sight of vision i can hold is the her hand in mine and we will see...

day 2 of my words

words that found a voice late last night telling the world that i am a changed man and ready for the world ahead of me. 

words that found me like a lost friend telling me that i could be who i wanted to be.

words that from the start scared me like a child in the dark.

words that now empower who i am and what i will be able to to

words that for the first time have meaning.

words that will change this life forever.

with the poetry gone again...i am back from where i was last night, i am back from the journey that i found so late in the day. back from the lala land that brought me the ideas that i hold today.

when i woke up the world was brand new for some reason. the air was crisper, though smokier than before, the sun was bright with opportunity and the land was mine for the patrolling. i ruled my world today with a grin and a laugh. i didn't have anything to make me angry or hold me down, i just smiled as if the day was meant for me to realized everything that i had come to terms with last night was the G-d's honest truth.  

that makes me happy. i talk with the two people i got advice from last night about what happened and even they noticed a differences to me. a more "free" chris. one that doesn't let the fear of the past rule the time of the future. each thing will come at may or will come all together, either way i can deal with it. i am no longer afraid to live as i once did. i am no longer scared to treat special people the way they deserved to be treated.

as i stated last night my life has been a constant change for the past years and i don't know where it will go, but i know that i will be here for the ride. this years is has slowed down from the massive change that was last year, but i still grow like no other. i am still being challenged with aspects of my life that i never thought would come up until much later. i am faced with decisions that could be the most important ones of my life. 

and i WELCOME it all. i am tired of running from this place in life. i have taken the hard road all the way around the world to come back here to see the path was so much easier if i had just stopped being stupid.  but welcome to the world.

i am a head of where i wanted to be where i am at now.  i maybe unemployed (and happy about it) i have friends that are going to walk on fire to see me. i have people who will die for me and hopefully by the end of this week i will know if this girl wants to be with me. 

in regards to the girl, if not then no, if so then hells yes. i am not focusing on anything either way i am just happy on where i am at in life.  no more no less, just happy.

thanks to all involved for making that possible....

Words

words.

they seem to not have meaning when  i am trying to tell her who i am.

words.

have no purpose when i try to explain how i feel

words.

keep me from telling the reasons i look at her the way i do

words.

don't even begin to describe how i feel when i hear her name, let alone see her face

words. 

can't keep the right meaning when i use words like love in regards to her.

words.

don't even do justice to the feelings i have.

words. 

are the tools i use to construct my masterpiece of reasons for loving me back.

words.

are by far the only way i know how to be me.

Words.

now with poetry aside i will blog something fierce. i have had in my mind for the past hour of laying in bed not sleeping thinking about how i could have done tonight different, and what i can do tomorrow to meet the goals that i want out of life.  Ih ave met a girl, not just a girl but a pathway way for me to get past the person i am, the person i used to be and the person i want to be. I know that i am not perfect by any means, but with her i just feel right.

it is the first time in a long time i have wanted to be with a person. where i listened to what they had to say and not just wanted to get what i needed and bounced. I have found something finally in myself that has made me want to be better. i have found who i want to be.  

i have found the words i want to say to her caught in my throat, but at the same time i have found the courage to spit them out. to tell her what and how i feel, with no fear. how things work out doesn't matter, it is not the start or the end, but the journey that matters. 

i have finally came back to the place where i started with girls. i have come full circle. i want to be the man i always prophetsized i would be.  the man that was everything for one woman, the man who could be the greatest father of this generation. the man who could be a loving husband. i have found my way back to this path.  I am not saying that this girl is the one who is going to to make me the great dad or husband, but from my journey and now with this girl in my life i have found the path. One day that path will lead to great family, but for now i am back on track. back where i belong

i have not been the best man and i recoginize that i don't want to be that man anymore so i am not. i am going to be better, and i am going to be happy. for the past 3 or 4 years i have been on a spiritual, emotional, physical journey that has lead me to the desert, to the promise land and back to here. i have traveled all over see and done a lifetimes worth of adventures, and i have found that my happiness has truly been restored in a coffee shop in monterey.

I am in law school, i have gotten a relationship with my father, i have reunited with my family and i am truly happy with where i am at.  My future is bright and at this moment when i can finally look at what i have and be happy with it, i might have moved to the next step of happiness for me.  which ever way it goes, i know that i am happy with me.  honestly happy with Christopher George Marohn. no shell, no pretend, just truly happy.

that is more that 15 years in the making, but i am. I know who i am, i know where i want to go and in the end i know that i will be happy. that is it.

now maybe i will be happy with this girl i don't know. but what i do know is that my happiness is dirieved from my great friends, family, and self.  i know now who i am and with my words i will build a monument to how happy my life has become.