The Trip home....

It has been a few months that i have been attending church. and I haven't really told my mom about it. Other than i am going to hang with the Weichers.  That sort of justification makes it easy for me to tell people rather than i am trying to find my own faith. i was hiding behind my family so i could take the time to find out me.

Now i have to face this head on. I know that my mother is a person of little faith in organized religion. She believes in God and Jesus, but as for an sort of organized faith she finds that it draws away from her personal relationship with God.

Faith comes in many ways, the idea of people having a faith is a diffuclt one to change, we believe that is what we are made to do. we are given free will to do with as we please with Heavenly Father's hope that we will find our way back to him. Faith. that is not such a simple term.  Trying to change someones faith is a feudal batter over symantical theories and beliefs in something greater than ourselves.

But looking on the flip side to that coin, rather than changing a faith why not nurutre it.  This is what i come to understand. My faith is simple. God created us, Jesus saved us, and they both love us.  This is simple, but the finer points, the nuances that we must find are those that we have to discover on our own.

I was going home this day. This is the day we talk about the church. 3 days with my mom and brother trying to explain what the Gospel has to offer, in specific what it has to offer me. My mother is so burned from churches, people stabbing her in the back treating her like a lesser person just becuase she was divorced. Or single or whatever. I know that her cynism rubbed off on me. I was cynical about it all until i had my own meeting with God. When i had a revelation that gave me faith.

This revelation is something for another blog and has nothing to do with LDS, but it came.  SO i am driving home dialoguing (cause i am still unsure about the word praying) with God. asking him for guidence, asking him for help and asking him for UNDERSTANDING!!!!

i know my mother is a patient woman and she will accept me.

------picked up sunday evening back in monterey-------

This weekend was legendary. my mother after 3 days of talking we have come to an understanding. This was hard fought, though many misconceptions and false thoughts.

It was difficult at all times, the tension filled the air, but the conversation never dies down.  her year of wisdom speaking though her tear soaked eyes...worried about loosing a son to a religion she doesn't understand or relate to. She chokes back her fears and stands tall with her son. Knowning that this journey is important to him knowing that the sins of past churches still do not resinate in his memory or soul. he has opened that door, let the lord shine in him and now, more than ever, he needs the support of his mother.  She grants that support with fear in her heart, but understanding in her head.

this was not the first conversation nor the last i will have with my mother about the church, but it has been the hardest of our lives.  I am a man who is finding his path in life, i am looking behind all the doors and trying to find the keys to my happiness.

I have started this path with the church maybe it is the right path maybe not, but right now i am justified in my investigation, and my mother, the only woman i have ever trusted fully, has gotten behind me. I know that this journey can end in several locations, but for right now i have my mom in my corner and it is the best place to be.

catching up on life

it has been a month since i posted. that doesn't mean that i have stopped writing, but it has been a while since i posted. So i am going to post my writings here, i am not going to tell you the end of the story you will have to read it..

a lot has happened in this past month.  The church has become more a part of me than ever. but lets not get ahead of our selves.

Today was Cinco de Mayo i had my first lesson from the missionaries and Jonathan Spencer. The lesson are where we first start talking about the mormon religion. This is the point where a person changes into an investigator.  This is the time where people put their money where their mouth is. and it was time for me to do so.

this came about over several text messages with Amanda, and reading a lot on LDS.org. I felt that i had a lot of questions, so Amanda in her wisdom suggested the discussions. She told me that i didn't have to take the bath, but i should talk.

I figured well i am a talker, i love to talk. so i did. The next sunday i asked the Elders to start the discussions. That was the easy part. The hard part was finding a free time for all of us. so we decided to use cinco de mayo. I wasn't doing anything, nor were they so that is the decision. We all met with a pizza and some bibles to go to town.

now i have said this many times, but the Elders are my little brothers, or that is how i see them. but they are more than that, they are teachers, friends, confidents, brothers, and loyal followers. These are many roles to fill and they do it quite well. They are different people. i am a scary judge of character, i have been paid to choose people for what they are good at, and i know that these people are special and will do great things.

but back to the discussions, i am not going into what was said or done because that is special to me and those there. If you choose to go this way then you will understand but i am not going into it. What i will talk to is what feelings and understandings that i gained about my self.

I have always looked for fulfillment in what I do. I found it so often in my work, but never did i find it in myself. As i took the first discussion i started looking inward. I am a pensive person, though sometimes i am quick to make decisions. so i started looking inward. The prayer came and after the prayer came the understanding. Not that i was any where near ready to take the swim, but the prayer came. The simple phrase from Hastings to talk to God. To speak to him. it was difficult for me to talk to the man. it is to step out of the box and do anything in this life.

I was given the opportunity to learn about God. I wasn't ready for this the first time around. I knew what to say. I am great at that. I know how to make everyone else believe but me.

This was the hard part, my life i have been able to give lip service and tell everyone what they want to hear. i could be the best convert in the world to everyone around me, but not to myself. I can stand her and bear false testimony and inspire people to believe. That is not hard for me, never has been i am granted the gift of gab, a sliver tongue my mom calls it. People are drawn to me and i can make them believe by appealing to whatever side they need, the hardest part has always been for me to believe myself. It is hard for me to do that. But for me to be honest on this journey at this time i have to put aside who i was and look to see who i can be.

This is why the discussions this night was hard for me. We didn't talk about anything that i could grasp, but rather did i want to open myself up to this to becoming part of this life, am i going to look in me and see what am i going to just move along giving everyone else hope and leaving myself empty.

I would always tell people that they can confide in me because (and using the analogy the my cup never over runnth) i realized that it is true that my cup does not get full, because i had nothing to fill it with.  So by starting these discussion i look inside myself, not to find the testimony that i can give you, but the testimony i can share about my journey.

let the healing begin.