it has been a month since i posted. that doesn't mean that i have stopped writing, but it has been a while since i posted. So i am going to post my writings here, i am not going to tell you the end of the story you will have to read it..
a lot has happened in this past month. The church has become more a part of me than ever. but lets not get ahead of our selves.
Today was Cinco de Mayo i had my first lesson from the missionaries and Jonathan Spencer. The lesson are where we first start talking about the mormon religion. This is the point where a person changes into an investigator. This is the time where people put their money where their mouth is. and it was time for me to do so.
this came about over several text messages with Amanda, and reading a lot on LDS.org. I felt that i had a lot of questions, so Amanda in her wisdom suggested the discussions. She told me that i didn't have to take the bath, but i should talk.
I figured well i am a talker, i love to talk. so i did. The next sunday i asked the Elders to start the discussions. That was the easy part. The hard part was finding a free time for all of us. so we decided to use cinco de mayo. I wasn't doing anything, nor were they so that is the decision. We all met with a pizza and some bibles to go to town.
now i have said this many times, but the Elders are my little brothers, or that is how i see them. but they are more than that, they are teachers, friends, confidents, brothers, and loyal followers. These are many roles to fill and they do it quite well. They are different people. i am a scary judge of character, i have been paid to choose people for what they are good at, and i know that these people are special and will do great things.
but back to the discussions, i am not going into what was said or done because that is special to me and those there. If you choose to go this way then you will understand but i am not going into it. What i will talk to is what feelings and understandings that i gained about my self.
I have always looked for fulfillment in what I do. I found it so often in my work, but never did i find it in myself. As i took the first discussion i started looking inward. I am a pensive person, though sometimes i am quick to make decisions. so i started looking inward. The prayer came and after the prayer came the understanding. Not that i was any where near ready to take the swim, but the prayer came. The simple phrase from Hastings to talk to God. To speak to him. it was difficult for me to talk to the man. it is to step out of the box and do anything in this life.
I was given the opportunity to learn about God. I wasn't ready for this the first time around. I knew what to say. I am great at that. I know how to make everyone else believe but me.
This was the hard part, my life i have been able to give lip service and tell everyone what they want to hear. i could be the best convert in the world to everyone around me, but not to myself. I can stand her and bear false testimony and inspire people to believe. That is not hard for me, never has been i am granted the gift of gab, a sliver tongue my mom calls it. People are drawn to me and i can make them believe by appealing to whatever side they need, the hardest part has always been for me to believe myself. It is hard for me to do that. But for me to be honest on this journey at this time i have to put aside who i was and look to see who i can be.
This is why the discussions this night was hard for me. We didn't talk about anything that i could grasp, but rather did i want to open myself up to this to becoming part of this life, am i going to look in me and see what am i going to just move along giving everyone else hope and leaving myself empty.
I would always tell people that they can confide in me because (and using the analogy the my cup never over runnth) i realized that it is true that my cup does not get full, because i had nothing to fill it with. So by starting these discussion i look inside myself, not to find the testimony that i can give you, but the testimony i can share about my journey.
let the healing begin.
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