G-d fearing???

I am a Christian male. that is simple, i may not live by your rules, and i may not do the things that you self-appointed Christians believe are to be right and wrong, but i am a Christian. I operate under the belief that G-d wants me to be happy and accepting of all his children. Which is hard at times when the Christians i meet on a regular basis tell me that my path is wrong.

I was in a debate today about G-d Fearing. I don't fear G-d nor will i ever. I know and love a G-d that is slow to anger and quick to forgive. I don't know a vengeful G-d.

I am not going to sit here and write that i am some perfect person without sin, but i am happy. i may do things that i will have to account for later in life, and some of th things i do i have to account for now, but in the end I have to account for them. Not you and your judgmental eyes. I don't judge you spilling your hate and hypocritical teaching into your children like morning vitamins.

It has taken me a long time to find my faith in G-d. It has taken the strength that i never knew i had to stand up and realize that i love G-d. I have done this through personal demons, religious advisors and most importantly friends that never gave up on me.

It took a while to break the sterotype of Christians that has been ingrained in my life. I have always been FORCED to believe something that i know is not right. I have always been told what to worship rather than giving me the tools to find out answers for myself. and when i brought challenges to the attention of my "teachers" there were quick to disspell me personally rather than deal with the question.

Now that i am a man i fear no G-d, i am scared of no death, for i know where i will be going when it all ends. I know that i am cool with G-d, we are homies. it is hard for people, espically, people i grew up, to understand my belief of acceptance and forgivness. but in the end that is what jesus was about to me. he didn't push anyone away he kept everyone for everyone.

that is what i don't understand. but i am on a rant that should end...cause i could go on for hours.

but i will end with this.

Why do we need to fear a G-d? Don't worry about the after life, make good in this life and you will be fine in the after life.

remember never fear what you can't understand, accept that you can't understand and move forward.

Obama and small town America

Over the weekend Democratic presidential hope full Barack Obama made some "elitist" remarks toward middle class America.

as a person coming from a small town in California, i agree with what he said. it is very accurate about small towns. The problem is that people don't want to see it. they want to pander and suck to to American's making them believe that everything is ok.

343

343 a number that most people, even in my generation, can not tell you what it stands for.

343 is the number that will always rock to the soul of me no matter how many things happen in my life.

343 is the number of firefighters lost in 9-11. i don't know why this rocks me now, 6.5 years later. why does 9-11 rock me to my core now.

This is why, i never really investigated 9-11 personally. i took it for face value on TV. I didn't know anyone in NY at the time, i have no personal connection to what happened other than being an outraged American. but now with my pending trip to the east coast i am rocked by what 9-11 really meant to me.

i am a patriot. With everything that is in me, i love America just as much as any other patriot. i will not leave and i will always fight for the freedom of my country. so i look at 9-11 through different eyes now.

i look through tearful eyes. though eyes that for the first time since the attack look and see that life that was lost. the brave men and women who gave all for this nation. the hero's who were lost, the men and women who were never lacking on courage or honor stepped on the to the floors of the WTC that morning knowing they might not step out.

343 the number of firefighters who gave their lives to world. 343 families that lost a son or daughter or husband or wife or father or mother or partner or lover or friend or all of the above. 343 heroes gone, but never forgotten.

I am not one to quote President Bush for anything, but his quote at the dedication of these brave Firefighters strikes me, he said "the time for morning may be over, but the time for remembering never will be."

i have dishonored these men and women by not paying attention to what happened that day. i just filed it under attack and the loss of American life. but 9-11 was much more than that. it was the day that will ring forever in history as the day the world cried. the day where 343 normal men and women catapulted themselves into the eyes of the world as the protectors of freedom. it was no longer the police or the military, it was everyday firefighters who stepped up and gave all for the lives of the innocent. without pride or prejudice, the ran in never to be seen again.

I now realized how i have not honored these men, and have made that change. we all need to step back a see what we have done to remember these heroes. we all show respect in different ways, but please i beg you, never forget.

this isn't a plea to never forget 9-11 for i am sure everyone for the rest of there days will remember where they were on that morning, but i would like to remember more than just a day that the US was attacked, it was the day when real heroes, like the ones you read about, walked there last step and gave their life to this country, not for personal gain, but to save someone else.

Guts like that don't come standard with everyone. Courage like that is a trait that should be honored and respected with every breath, every wave of the flag and every tear that is seen over this day.

I have new respect for firefighters, they are the true heros of our lives. so as i roll into NY to see ground zero and the 9-11 memorial wall, i will hold a moment of remberence for these brave few who gave everything, and make sure my life is served making sure that they didn't die in vain.

emotional currency........

we all deal in it... weather we guilt people into doing what we want, or sharing in the love of a happy moment. we deal with emotional currency, we use it the good and the bad. 

i am not saying that i haven't done the good and the bad..i have manipulated people the best way possible, i have used and abuse the emotions of people in my life. i have also lived in the glory of all the moments of all the people i have ever loved.  

we all have, i believe that is human nature we use people not always in a bad way. we use people and they use us.  that is what we do.

but at what point do we use each other too much.

people don't like being told what people see them as. we don't like to be told what we really are. i know that i am an asshole, i accept it sometimes and push it off as a source of pride, but in truth i don't like being an asshole, but i also don't like being quiet, i don't like people abusing the life that they are granted.  

i know that they has been a theme in my writing and i know what the source of it is.  i understand that you guys are tired of reading this shit, i just need to be done with it. and with her.

fuck it...time to move on my own...

later dear readers 

struggling

i am struggling with so much right now. i has i have felt the weight of the world on my shoulders before, i have never felt this weight.

i don't know why i am in this funk, but i am. recent events have pushed me here, away from everything that i want to know and do know, into something that is so completely fucking random that i can't even see straight....RANDOM yo.

i just hold my head back and embrace all the problems that i am dealing with . i am holding my own against a world of shit that is running into my wall.

and now my pet peeves that i can usually throw to the way side are cracking the foundation of my ability to hold fast the problems, and i am pretty sure that i am going to fucking go nuts on someone really quickly...

this is my rant.....here we go.

i am tired of holding myself to standards that are above everyone elses standards, and then having them to expect me to do favors at my standard with out any recouse on their side. and the occasional favor to compensate for the overwhelming number of favors i do for you is not just compensation.

you need to quit relying on peoples sympathies to get your shit done, you are a grown ass person, start fucking acting like it. i am tired of you constant whinning and complainning and you need to be told you are right and blah blah blah. Grow up and be strong. Stop being a douche.

i am tired of having shit thrown at me becuase they feel like it is ok to keep piling shit one me. Oh chris can do it, oh it is no big thing we don't need to ask chris, oh no blah blah blah. i am tired of it. Stop using my name for currency in your fucked game of emotional monopoly. I don't have the time nor the want to clean up your fucking messes.

you made your bed, you gave your word, now fucking back it up. you have 2 things in this life you back and your word, don't break either for anyone.

i am tired of being a high standard person and you trading on credit that isn't even yours to get me to do favors for you. you are fucking with fire bitch and i will burn this mutha fuka down if you get to cocky. i do favors for you because of a loyality that i have to someone very close to you. and that is it. if this person wasn't around you would fucking drop off my radar like stealth. I don't have the need to help you, but you trade favors that aren't yours and put me in a place challenging my loyality.

and how dare you challenege my loaylity. i was here long before you and i will be here long after you are gone. so bide your time, keep steping incorrect and i will be sure to banish you from anywhere my rule lies. You will be but a sad memory when i am done. you fuck with me you will incur my wrath.

so keep fucking around, i am plotting and one day when you get confortable with the world you have mascraded i will snap it out from under you and leave you holding the truth. The cold, hard, painful truth. that you are nothing, will be nothing, and have nothing to bring to anything. you are useless.

and i pity you.

end rant..........

lost, trying to find a way...

i have struggled with this blog for a long time. I don't know what to say.

recently i was told that a person that i never met, never knew, and never really cared for pasted away. Now that might not rock many usually it doesn't rock me. People die everyday.

but this person was the 6 month old son of a friend of mine. This isn't a friend i have seen recently. but we have emailed back and forth for the past year. and we have grown from stories and friends.

so when i was informed that her baby boy had passed i couldn't move.

i have had my share of death in life. I have been to more funerals than i would like to talk about, but this kid hit me like a truck and i dont know why.

i always wonder about how great G-d is and i know that his plan is far better than any plan that i could ever conceive, but i wonder to why he feels the need to take this child or any child.  I don't know how i could ever understand what is going on. 

So I  sit and think on it, and let it stew, not telling anyone how i feel or the way this eats at me up inside trying to understand in all of G-d's wisdom.  i just find it hard to understand. 

One day everything will make sense but until then we face all these unknowns in the hope of finding a guiding light that will some how let us live the day, not understand, but accept what has happened.

i hope one day to find that acceptance, and maybe move forward. Until then i will search for something that i know i could never find. For it isn't the beginning or the end, but the journey that truly matters.