I had a gril that i was going to marry. I had every full intention of spending the rest of my life with her and all that jazz. we broke up officially in july, but we kept having sex, and holding hands and telling each other we loved each other and blah blah blah... to her that is just what you do with friends, with me not so much. I don't view that type of relationship where sex is involved, intimacy is involved, declaration of a love that is not a friendship type love inovolved, the hand holding the cuddling, sleep together all of it is not what "friends do". but to her that is exactly what friends do.
lately she has been involved sexually with some "friend" of mine. She doesn't think she did anything wrong because we are not together and he is her friend too and they didn't have sex. that it is perfectly normal for "friends" to do what they did. I on the other hand are of the belief that you don't do that with friends. I will not get into the specific sexual act, just know that it wasn't actual penetration.
I have been trying to deal with all these emotions of my own, but now i have to deal with all of their emotions as well because i am not dealing in a way that they want. they want me to act a certain way so they can get past this and move on, they want to "help" me so i will understand and start to deal and they want it all done now. Well they get to fuck off, because they don't get to dictate to me anything about how i live my life, how i operate my emotions and how i do things in my life.
i am just getting tired of coming home and immediately having to defend who i am. i am geting tired of having to run from my home where i pay equal rent because i have to deal with these people. i am sick of having to fucking defend myself at every turn because these fucks want things done their way. Get over it. I am not doing shit your way.
I just want to come home from a great night with my friends and not have to deal with the bullshit drama that comes from my housemates. They sit there and call this a "family" where we are all "family" in truth it is just bullshit cause they are going to do what they want no matter who they hurt and that is not a family that is just people you get to run over.
I don't want to be part of this family. I don't want to have to claim to know these people and i don't want the constant embarrassment of these people on my soul. Everywhere i turn i have to look at these fucking people and it pisses me off, every time i see my house i see lies and every time i try to fix anything it just gets more fucked because these people have no clue how to be real.
These people have no friends and they wonder why. They treat family like this and they wonder why friends don't exist. They wonder why they lean on each other rather than making the friends of the world. They are jealous of me and my network of people because i am real and they are not. They want to have what i have and because they can't, they try to drag me down. I am not a weak person, but in situations like this i am brought down do to my need to help everyone.
I have started this year by seeing my friendship fail with someone who was extremely close to me. i went through my birthday knowing the woman that i loved was giving her love to another man, and a lesser man than I. And i have just spent that last few weeks dealing with the betrayal of friendship that was a lie from the get go. I can not longer stand here and have these people drag me down. This fake ass wannabe friends, who want to use me to their own end have yet to prove the simple fact that friendship is not always beneficial, it is ups and downs. It is good times and in bad, but as long as you have trust friendship will endure all the bad times and all the long storms. These friendships are built on sand. and i am tired of rebuilding other persons shitty planning.
I am out.
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