to be lost and wonder the lonely roads of life, i find that they all end up in one place. San francisco. I didn't leave my heart there, i left my soul there. i have this world that i live in. the real world to me at least. I live and die in Monterey. not in the literal sense but in the sense that my whole life is here. my job is here, my friends (for the most part) are here, my school is here, and my people (i know that is egoistical, but i believe that the people that i can influence the best) are here. but the biggest part of me, my soul, is in SF. it is where i feel i belong, where i want to live, where i need to be. I don't understand why. Even the thought of going to SF makes me want to jump out of my office and go there. The place that attracts me the best, the place where i have the most fun just wondering, the place where i most want to be is SF, but yet i know that i can't. that is what pains me i believe.
that is why i feel lost. I can't get my head and my heart together. I know that for the rest of my life i could go on being this way, completely torn and be ok with it. i don't know why i would be ok with it but i would. I could go on with weekend trips to SF, like i used to, and be totally excited to do it. but i know now is that i need to find that place where i can have my heart and my head together. I know that when law school starts and what not i will be way to busy to worry about stupid shit like that, but i know now that i need to find the medium in my life before i get way to crazy over this shit..
It won't be easy, but it should be fun. Trying to find out how to find balance, that is what life is about honestly. trying to find a balance between everything from love and hate, to passion and loath. that is what i am trying to do. i know that SF is the place for me, but i know that monterey will hold the best opportunities for me. I know that i need to stay in monterey, the adult in me tells me that Monterey is where i should be, and that shouldn't be stupid enough to pass up the opportunities that i would recieve in this location. SF will always be there, and i can always go there, but i can't always have the opportunity to become a lawyer from a firm that wants me to go so bad that they are willing to pay for it. I don't want to start over from the bottom again, even though i could do it. I don't want to go nuts over stupid shit again. Running into fucked up X's, but having a great time in my place that holds sway over my soul.
Some people will never understand why i love SF so much, but it is very simple for me. VERY VERY SIMPLE. i made SF my own on my own terms. they may have been fucked up terms, i may have moved up there for a girl that was never mine to begin with, but i needed that time in SF to grow stronger as an individual. i needed that time to become a man. to finially find my legs to stand on. to finally be able to look my boss in the eyes and tell him to fuck off. to finally realize that a job is not important, that money is not important, that standing up for what is right is the only thing that matters. that no longer will i be a slave to my bank account. that i will do what i want not what i need. Handle my business and not worry about what others think or how they will react.
I became a man in SF. I slowed my drinking, i got my piroties in check, i got some great friends, and i learned to survive on my own, against the odds of all who doubted me. I survived and thrived and created a place for Me. SF is mine, as well as other peoples, but it is MINE. i own that place, all the memories, all the heart ache, all the jazz. It is mine. from the corner shops, to the knock offs. I was SF and SF was me. All the cuture and all the education all the people and all the hole in the wall shops. YOu could spend a year in SF wondering the street 24/7 and you will never see half of what that city has to offer. It is, to me, the best place on earth. I love it with everything that i am. It is who i want to be, it is where i want to be, but it is the place that i could never be. at least not now.
we will see when the world shifts where i end up, but for now i have to be content with monterey, figure out how to line up the head and the heart and go from there.
i know that it will be hard, and won't happen today or tomorrow, but i will happen. When it does i will look back and see that everything that i have done in my life to end to this moment, and this time. i know that everything that hasn't happend, and has happened and will happen is for the greater good of who i am. and in the end everything has been worth it. all the pain and heart ache, all the simles and laughs and all the tears would have been worth where i am in my life.
for i live my own way, with my own rules and my own agenda. I stand for THE CHRIS, nothing more nothing less. I am here for me, but as i work i work for others as well. I am here for my people (i know that is ego talking, but go with it) and i will not let my agenda slip for what i want to accomplish because i need to have my head in the right place and the heart will follow.
but i know now that my monthly trips to SF are going to be very important for this and in the end. I love life. and i will find a way.
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