i have been called an asshole, a control freak, a godfather, a superior, a strong will, a guiding light, a plight for danger, and a bad influence. i agree that i am all those things, but lay the blame on my family.
we are not your ordinary family, or maybe we are. we all have issues, we are all fucked, some of us are blessed with the perfect family, and so of us are just blessed. I have never claimed that my family is more fucked up than next, we all do the compare game where we say this or that about our family and see who is the most dysfunctional. I am not the most normal, but i am not the most fucked i know that.
I grew up with my mother a very caring person. She put herself out in front of everyone and took the brunt of the ill will of a town that will never accept a single mother, black person or liberal. This town beat her down because she was different. Not one of their "kind" so i learned really quickly to defend who i am. Also to that my bother desperately needed to sit at the popular table, but was always on the outside. He never got to be as cool as the cool kids and i know that it eats him up even to this day. Trying to find his place in life, he is constantally trying to be everything to everyone, to help everyone even to the point of self-destruction. He is the general of good intentions, and i love him for it.
my father is the quint essential asshole. Never cares what any thinks, does what he wants, what he thinks is cool, and people come to him. I believe that i am like my father. I believe that i am my fathers son. I act for me, i do for others, but i act for me. I live by my rules, now more than ever. I don't care who thinks what i am or who i am, i am out for me, but at the same time i have something that my father never has had. that is understanding to work with people that you don't get along with. You can't always have the 20 year old perspective that you are top dog and people should bow down. I don't have that in my career, my schooling, or in my important rules of conduct.
I will say that i don't give a fuck on what people think of me. i have a huge bark and a horrible bite. I am also not afraid to use either. Never have never will. i have proven this on many occasions from high school douche bags, to college professors, to family. Yes even family has felt my wrath.
For i believe that i was raised by my mom. She was there for me from learning how to throw a baseball to how to dance to how to talk to girls (hence why i am single JOKING). But I got my strength from the fire of my fathers side of the family. My mental strength and drive came from my mother, but me being a strong asshole is my father's side alone. I will never back down to those people. I will never appear weak, i will not faulter. It is a war, every conversation they look for weakness, every word they find judgments. Every minute they see what is wrong. And i don't have that. My mother did a great job with out any of them. I will not let them bully me, judge me or hold me down to show much "better" i could have been if they would have raised me.
So this was re-affirmed by the conversation that i had with my grandmother 3 years ago, that ended in bad spirits on both ends. She told me that it was my fault that my father's and mine relationship was lacking. That i should be the one (at 23) to mend the bridge between the two of us. I told her to fuck off. I told her that i was the child, and he SHOULD want to love me, SHOULD want to have me in his life. I shouldn't have to lust after my father's attention he should give it willingly. Without pride or prejudice. Love of a father should be unconditional, without limits or boundries. I should not at 23 be responsible for the entire fate of the relationship between me and my father. eventually i did do it, but only after a long period of soul searching.
But now it comes back to the grandmother. When me and her had it out, you would have thought that i started a new era of silence. that words no longer existed. The silence between us was so loud that open spaces told us to shut up. We haven't spoke since then. Good for the both of us, until today.
I found out this weekend that she sent the standard xmas cards to my mothers old address this year for xmas and b-day. She has accused my mother of sending the cards back. i heard this through the grape vine (from my father). I felt it was just stupid and pointless, laughable even. Until i considered my family. I know that in their heart of hearts they believe that my mother is trying to keep her GROWN children from their grandparents. I think they are laughable because they still hate my mother and cherish my father.
We all did fucked up things in life, the best though was for my parents to get divorced, plain and simple. My father and mother were not right, i have no more bad feelings about it. My father is a better person, my mother is a better person and that is life. plain and simple. That is how life is for my clan. but since i was raised by my mother i have a way with her. I fight to the death, i protect to the end, i stand up and fight when people challenge anything that is agianst her. I know my mother better than anyone else on the face of the planet. She has not kept anything from me, and has answered every question i have ever asked. There fore i will stand and defend, attack, fight, lie, steal, die for whatever protects her.
That is who i am, so when someone who has no place to open their mouth to begin accused my mother for keeping me and nick from my grand parents i will fight back. People who say things and go unchallenged learn that they are the top and nothing can bring them down. And i brought them down. Maybe it was for my ego, maybe it was because i felt it was right whatever it may be i brought them down for i felt in my heart it was the right thing to do.
now comes the aftermath. one of my biggest problems is that i look before i leap. I talk before i think. I operate under the office of better to ask for forgiveness than permission. That is just me. but what i have decided that i will go and see my grandparents, for one last time before i stand by their grave. i do not say this for sympathy, but to end things the right way. I will go there and one last time hug them and tell them to their face that i love them, and tell them about my life and how i have mended my relationship with my father, to give them comfort before they go. The Chris of old would never have done this. i would have held out and said good riddance.
I have moved into a new hybrid stage of my evolution. I am still the asshole that will never back down, but i no longer hold the grudges of our family. I have forgiven everyone who has wronged me in my family, except these people, therefore it is time to let them into my heart and let the end come with good feelings and better stances then we were before. When i look back i don't want to know what it would have been like to talk to my grandparents one last time or what i could have done to make things better, i am making things better. I will not stop and i will not faulter. they may be set in there ways, but i don't have to make their mistakes, i don't have to follow in the superiority and judgmental nature that they have shown me. I can grow and be better. i will not let the Marohn chains hold me down, i will rage and when i go to my grave my head will be held high.
As i plan this to be my last visit to my grandparents until they pass, i hope that this will be one to remember full of joy and laughter. to let the past feeling of beytral and anger be lost in the good faith that is family. We will see. but what i do know is that i am making life what i want it to be again. I am taking life by my rules and taylor making it all.
don't be afarid to fail we must fall to learn to pick our selves up. Failure is just the last step to success. live, love, learn, fight, cry, laugh, like it is the end. Never hold a bad feeling and always resolve an argument.
The sun will always set on life, but how we live in the sunlight defines us forever.
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