what dreams have came.....

Dreams what came... this is an image that has always been at the forefront of what i am looking for. what have i missed. maybe, just maybe i have missed my boat of faith. I have not been blessed on where i should go i am the few that have to wonder the world looking for the faith others get to enjoy.

now i don't think that my boat has passed but i worry about it sometimes. This is the fear that actually keeps my drive to find it going. why i keep looking for something that is real and true in my life. 

i can make of list of things that are real and true.

my mom
clinton/amanda/jordy/dave/ben
the law
ambition
confidence....

but this list is lacking what i am looking for.

i can't seem to find what i am truely missing. i have a great life. lets not get things twisted. i have a good job that pays well, i have a wonder family, i am successful with the endevors that have undertaken, but i can't seem to find that last bit of something differnt. that last piece of the puzzle, the last HUGE piece of me.

This piece is found for now in the LDS chruch. not saysing that i am going to convert, but some of the answers i am looking for is here. but i have found something. i can't say that it is faith or understanding or peace but something is here. the people and their welcome to table is waht i have talked about wanting but i am not sure if this is where the faith is at. This family, this world, these people have shown me that i can be accepted for who i am. This acceptance is not a veil, or blinder to me i have to find balence, but this is the first time i feel a sense of belonging.

A few years back i first discovered a faith in God. I first found the peace that is found through the acceptance of a higher power. i never accepted Jesus as the savior and God as the one true almighty, but the faith that i did find helped me through the most difficult decisions in my life.  it gave me peace with my brother (this comes much later ina blog, but this was huge for me) It gave me peace wth my father (another huge one for me) and it gave me peace with several other huge issues in my life. and most importantly it gave me a great friendship with Andy. but it did not fill my heart with the faith people talk about. it does not fill my life with the joy that i was looking for, and when i left an x girl ,i felt unwelcomed.

the church was not my home and when i went to church with Andy i was ecplised by his rock star status. he was always avaliable to answer my questions and show me the way, but i never felt confortable in group setting cause i could never get my questions answered or talk about my relationship with God. Here with this chruch weekly i get to talk about my relationship with God i get read about my faith. where i can be me. where i don't have a rockstar telling me about faith, or i have a great friend guiding me. i had someone bring me in, show me the place then left me figure it out. no pressure. I am not saying that Andy's approach was different, but i just didn't find the full faith i was looking for. I found God with DOC. i saw the power of his love, but i never found the longivity of his faith.

Now i am back to looking. School is over. No real intimate family. i have holes in my heart and i am starting some place where i can turly have an impact. I can't set out on a quest for love, but what i can do is find a love within myself and a relationship with whatever God i have to be the true and correct God, if i ever find one.

well i am done rambling because i could go on for days.  good luck and good night.