Lets get this started

I was told today that i needed to start this story. and i guess she was right. so here i go.

I am a Godly man. I have faith in a heavenly father and i believe that he created all of man kind. Now i don't believe in the entire adam and eve and the creationism only idea. Science and faith walk hand in hand. We have the hows and the whys (care of my junior college biology instuctor) and i can see where both of them work together. Science or magic or faith or nature whatever you want to call it we are all part of a system.  here is the issues. I believe in a higher power, but i don't know if i buy into this whole idea of christanity. The rules and guidelines of a book that is in constant contardictions.  I believe that man is NOT suposed to know what is going on. it is not our place to know the entire rule of God. what the plan is or anything about that.

the fact that i don't know my fate is part of the fun. the feeling of fear or invisibility or happyness or actual love. these feelings are real, and if i would know that this girl i would love i would rebel against it and become unhappy. or if i knew i would surive the jump, i would never leap. i love the unknown and that is part of why i can't buy into to Bible.

The mircles of the past are just that. History is convulted and hides that is truth in the world, but we go with it.  If the people in power didn't endorse the religion it would not have come to pass. Some believe that it was destined to come to pass and others believe that it was just popular, i don't care. it is here and now i am dealing with it.

I have struggled for faith my entire life. As a child i went to churches that did nothing but tell me that i was nothing, and a bastaard. so Fuck them. Then there were churches that said my mom was wrong for divorcing my alocholic father, so FUCK them and now there are chruches that tell me everything i belive is right and i should not challenge myself...fuck them.. i know that i sound like a child that can't be pleased, but faith is not about settling, but more about finding the truth in your life. 

Faith, it is a funny concept. what do we have faith in? God? family? friends? what? i have faith that i will be successful in life. i have faith that i will have a wonderful family. I have faith that one day i will die and i will not end up in hell or spirit prison or purgatory. I make the right decision for my life. Some poeple may think it is wrong and some might think that i am an asshole but that is life.  I have faith.  just not the faith i am looking for.

I want guidence from the big guy. i have some hole in my soul, i have a lacking of understing and faith in my life. Not that it is needed becuase i am succeeding with my life, but i want someting more. I want something to fill this void that i fell. i want to not have this searching feeling in my heart.

but i have been looking for faith, searching for the love of God, finding something that is telling me that this faith, this religion and this belief is right and i have yet to find it. 

I am a huge family person. I have taken care of my own for years. I am the head of my family. I make sure that everyone is taken care of. I know my entire family is fine, I know that i will always do this, but i am looking for someone to confide in me. Right now i don't have that.

Over the past few years i have tried out many chruchs. i have met many great people I have tried the churches that appealed to me, but something has always taken me away. something has pushed me back, and now i have started my trek into the mormon chruch.

I know i know you read the word mormon and are like didn't he just say "fuck" a few paragaphs ago, and i say blow me. i am in the journey. I am not your average person. I swear and i sweat, i fart and i fuck and i do it all the best way i know how. but back to the search.....

So faith. I go to this chruch, my family goes here. My nephew/godson and his family (who have adopted me) go there. and actually i really like it. I like the family feeling in the chruch. It is like cheers, just not at a bar, but at a church. but i search.  What i like about the faith is that it is fmaily orentated. and i can feel safe ther. i love the religious debate and the open exchange of ideas.

but what i don't like is the politiics...

ok i will get in to politics later.  This was for Jessi and it is the first post.

now....... off to some premartial sex and long nights....

OUT