So i know i should talk about the journey from beginning to end, but hey this is my blog and i'll do what i want. I could go back and talk about those days of hanging with clinton and talking about religion and my faith or the long talks with sarah or the bonus night with the elders. but NOPE... not today. today being palm sunday (and that doesn't not mean i am going to masturbate) this is 7 days before the resurrection. Before the rebirth, so of course i went to church today.
and lets talk about chruch. today espeically. I am still new to the LDS chruch, new to the members. They know who i am, but i am still learning everyones names. There is a genlteman that has stood out to me. John Spence. he is a guy who doesn't seem to have a lot of life experience, outside the chruch, but is very open and knowledgeable about the inner workings of the chruch and open to discuss with me any questions that i might have.
today i spotted him from across the chruch. Walked in and gave him the handshake hug, you know the hetrosexual ok guy hug where you are shaking the hand but lean in for the pat on the back..yeah that one... the one that says im senstive, but still want to be proper. Anyways. i digress. But i met John Spencer across the room and we started talking about me. not a topic i shy away from cause, come on.. IM AWESOME!. but anyways --down ego---- so we started talking about what i felt/thought about the church. This is the conversation that i have been dreading. i don't know honestly. I really really don't know. i know that i like the family atomsphere that comes with the church and as i learn more and more i understand why the chruch is the way it is, but does the "spirit" move within me.. or do i feel that this gosphel is true... NO IDEA!. But John wasn't fishing for a conversion. he knows that i am an educated man that will look at everything that i have done in my life and make the decision based on what i believe to be true and what i understand is God speaking to me.
But the topic came up. My politics. the reason i have shyed away from church my entire life is that i have not found a religion that will validate my political beliefs. the problem is that I see my poitics and my social beliefs in direct opposition to religious beliefs. I want a vague religion and religion is not that. it has rules and guidelines, it has edicts and commandments. I don't like rules, hence why i became a public defender. but honestly i don't like them. What i found to be funny this day is that i have preached the seperation of church and state my entire life, but when it has come to me personally i want a church to validate what i believe the state should be ran by. This hit me today and is the purpose for jumping around in my own blog. by the way i still don't need your permission to jump around, it is my blog for fudge-sake.
anyways back to reality. i say church and state should be seperate. i have held the belief that there is no God in goverment. but yet i want a reiligion that forms to my belief of God and government. I want religion to conform to my potlical beliefs and that is the stupidest idea i have ever thought. How can i sit here and blog and preach and talk and inspire to hold chruch and state seperate when i cnat do it myself. Why do i condem people for having a faith and not using that faith to address my political agenda when i refuse to have faith in my life. Why is this possible? well it is becuase i am an asshole who can't figure out life. This is what i have done to day this is what i fgured out with the help of Mr. John Spence. This is what makes the journey great. people who you odn' think will ever help you show up in the weirdest of ways.
But john and i had a very constructive talk about another portion of the search for faith. The pro-active search. not the side line quarterback that is waiting for faith to walk up and hand itself to them. Faith is not going to find you, you have to find the faith, you have to find what makes you you, you have to look for it. God, the heavenly father, allah, whatever, has it out there holding it for you, but you have to jump a few hoops, beleieve a few myths, give faith to some old books and open yourself to the faith that is waitng.
Now I totally sounds synical, well cause I am. I know that one day i will have faith, and i don't know where it will come from, but for now i am finding bits and pieces within this church and these peoples.
Today John Spence exposed me for the fraud and hyprocite that i am. Not that he did it maliciously, nor did he try to do it. we just talked. just talked and i ended up realizing that i need to move away from the beliefs of old. that seperation of church and state is just that. And i need not find a religioni that suits my political life, but rather i need to understand that i have a poltical belief and a religious belief. this two can be seperate and as long as i live i can abide by my politlics ensureing that the rest of the world is not under the oppression that some who have it and run my private life as i see fit, within a faith that i might find or in a life that i might dream or even, just even in a world that i have never thought would have existed before now.
This is a strange journey and i am finding the most random guides along the way..
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