my biggest issues

is that i have to be there for everyone else. that i have my own problems i have my own issues but i feel the need to be there for EVERYONE. i can't solve my own shit but i am willing to take on the problems of the entire world. i have always worn the crown, it has set upon my head for so many years, now that it doesn't need to be here, deons't need to rest with me i am too use to the weight of the crown to know any different.

this is my crown, my pride and my promise, my curse, my burden. but it is the only thing that is mine. It doesn't belong to anyone else. i am the hook up, the middle man, the one who is have carried this my entire life. this is me. I have the cross to bear. but no longer. i guess. I don't have to be the one in charge. i don't have to have the crown. i don't need the cross. it is time for me to pass the batan to someone else who wants to carry the next generation of people.

But this is it. if i am not the person carrying the burden who i am. i have lived in that life much longer than anything else i have ever done.i this what i do. i bear the burden. i make the world go round. I DO THIS. this is me. i don't have any thing else. but my burden. and i guess this is why i do my search for faith.

This is why i am looking right now. i am not happy with where i am. who i am with. where i am going. what i am doing. all these stem from the fact that i feel like i have to provide for everyone. i have to understand that i can't help everyone. i can't do it. the ones that get to me are the ones i try to help and can't. the ones that hurt me the most are the ones that i try so hard to help and nothing will ever be good enough. my xs, some of my students and friends past. i can't help them all. i can try and help the, but it doesn't come.

I don't know where i am going from here. i think this is why i want to leave the area. I don't want to have this life. or why i lie. even now it is hard for me to admit that i might lie from time to time to make me bigger. i am sure people know.. or i set impossible goals for myself. i have to be the man. i can't understand why. i guess it is the fact that i have never had to take the back seat to anyone. I have been the center of attention i have pulled all the ambition to everything that i have done. I am just confused on what i can and can't do. what i should and shouldn't do... at the end of it all. what will i do.

i don't know. i can't know it isn't for me to know, but i need to get things done and make sure that my life is insulated from poverty. i am afarid of opening myself up i guess. i don't know this is just another tyraid.  i am done with it. i guess that i have figure a way about things. but for now. i am lost wondering, looking, trying to feel out the dark shapes that make up my life...

the light, the light i can't not see, nor find.  i the light that is there hidden in the darkness, the light that will validate me and my world. The light that will guide me to the righteious that is waiting for me. now i have to rage against the darkness to find that light...